I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Leo just dropped off the iPhone. I must say, my first impressions are good. In fact, I think I might write a positive review, but then Apple has always been like that, Nice design, but crappy product once you take some time with it. We'll have to see how it really holds up to Dvorak Scrutiny™.

Getting packed now, Leo claims the iPhone is fully charged, but I'm leaving it plugged in anyway, until it's time to leave for the Airport. I don't want to have the Appletards claiming I cheated in my assessment of the power usage.

Apparently I'm not the only one...

...who has noticed that Levy, Mossberg and Pogue all just happened to get a status symbol for a few weeks, and had glowing reviews on said symbol.

As I was saying to my pal Paul Thurrott, "What kind of reviews do you expect when they give these Apple Polishers™ a status symbol to show off to all their pals (all 5 of them).

They didn't have to pay Levy a dime. He was in their pocket the moment he could go to work and have a crowd gather around him. This is something he wished for since he was a geek in high school, dreaming of being the star quarterback so that girls might talk to him. Apple made his dream come true. Well, maybe not the part about getting laid, but still close enough. If he had to twist facts and distort the truth, so what, he had to pay them back somehow. It's pathetic."

Thanks Steve!

Well, Looks like Mr Jobs himself is helping us, intentionally or not. Over on his blog he posted a link that shows us all where lines have already formed. This is an insanely helpful tool for us.

Dvorakians, I suggest starting the egging now if you're in any of these places. Sure, it would be cool if we ALL went at once, but if The Man finds out about our plans, they may post guards and we'll never get the chance to egg these people. So start now, and good Appletard hunting.

iPhoney Reviews

Wow. So all of the iPhone Reviews are in and they're all positive.

Color me startled.

I mean, Apple gives only a select few reviewers an iPhone, and they all apparently love it. I can't believe this.

Oh, what's that? Take a closer look at who they all are? Ok.

My my, They're all Apple Polishers. What a surprise.

Yes everyone, Don't believe these reviews. Every single one of these tech reviewers has been an asskiss of Jobs at one time or another. Does it surprise you in the slightest that when Apple gives them a status symbol, one that they can waive around at their friends making them all jealous, that they'd gush their hearts all over Steve. Just you wait, REAL reviews are on the way, not these iPhoney ones. (Sometimes I amaze even myself with my cleverness.)

Leo has promised to lend me his review iPhone, that he got yesterday, on Friday. (Don't believe him if he tells you differently TWaT Gestapo, he has one.) This is good, because I have a trip at 9:30AM from LA to Berlin for a speaking engagement. Yes, unfortunately this means I won't be able to join you in the egging of the fools standing outside AT&T stores. A look on the bright side reveals that it has been nice and hot all across the US, so your eggs should be nice and rotten by now, if not hard boiled, so you can at least get them nice and good for me in my stead. At least this trip means I will be able to get to the bottom of the iPhone in the airport and on the flight there.

So faithful Dvorakians, please give me at least until Saturday, maybe Sunday, and I will have my candid review of the iPoop finished. It will probably be on dvorak.org/blog but my editor there has been getting pickier about my Apple stories. I get the feeling Jobs is paying him off, so it may end up here. Stay tuned to this and dvorak.org/blog, a true review will be forthcoming from me. Just hold out on the Reality Distortion Field for that long, and I can beam my reality Dis-is-suckin' Field at you to counteract it.

The glorious return to TWaT.

Some of you might have noticed my return to This Week's Anal Techheads, where I hinted that I wanted the iPhone to succeed. As most of you have guessed, this was part of Leo LePort's ultimatum for my return to TWaT. It was my 'punishment' for letting out the secret of his fake 'loathing' of iPhone news and his faux 'not wanting an iPhone'. Luckily that was the brunt of what he forced me to do to get back on TWaT. Which is good, because I would have done ANYTHING to be able to pimp dvorak.org/blog a few times a week. Literally, he could have asked me for a positive iPhone review and I would have done it. I would have even been willing to give a positive spin on the next Steve Jobs' Bukkakeynote.

Eggheads.

Thanks go out to Skott Born.

Skott, One of my fellow TWaTters, just helped us out.

On Skott's crApple Phone show blog he's shown us how to easily find an AT&T store using Google (Spying on the) Earth.

Get your eggs out of the fridge and spoiling folks, we're nearly a week away.

I expect all my Devorakians to make sure that these fools not only have metaphorical egg on their faces by buying Steve Job's turd, but I expect all my Devorakians to make sure they have real (smelly) egg on their faces when they leave the stores.

Hopefully I can get my editor over at dvorak.org/blog to at least let me mention my call to arms over there. After all, we will need all the help we can get, because apparently there's a lot of suckers born every minute.

Reminder: Password protect my laptop from now on.

Some of you have been wondering why I wasn't on this week's TWaT.

Why? See: the post on Leo's faux negativity for the iPhone.

I had written it, but I delayed posting it here because I knew Leo might find the blog, get mad and kick me off for a bit. I was editing it, making sure everything was perfect and I had to use the bathroom quickly. (Additional reminder, No more 10 for 10 Tacos from Taco Bell, I get the feeling that was how they got rid of their rat problem.) So I close my laptop and run to the bathroom. Turns out, Leo's Mac was having problems (besides the obvious being a Mac one) So he claimed anyway. He opened my laptop to 'check for any last minute stories for the show' and there was the post, nearly finished. He was outraged. He barged in the bathroom, started screaming, said I'd never be on his 'netcast' again. Then he fainted. Yes, the tacos were that bad. I took my laptop, and left. I debated not even posting the blog entry but I figured I'd already be punished for it.

Have no fears TWaT Gestapo, I'm sure I'll be on TWaT again. You, my beloved fans will demand it. Besides, Mr. LePort has the short term memory of a gnat, he's already likely forgotten what happened. If for some reason he doesn't however, you and I will always have dvorak.org/blog and here to keep in contact.

LePort and the iPhone Factory

I'm sure that most of you are intelligent enough to have figured this out already.

In case you haven't, Leo has only been bitching that he is sick of the iPhone and iPhone news so that he can eventually come out and say that it was better than expected. It's the same trick those Star Wars Geekwads used on the second and third prequel. The first one was so bad, they lowered their expectations to nil so that they could be 'surprised how good the new SW movie was'.

It also has to do with his public persona. He's trying to look unbiased, but who is he kidding. We all know the iPhone is gonna be a turd but Leo will be out there praising it to the heavens just after 6pm next Friday, that is, If (Hand)Jobs doesn't give him one sooner.

Oh, and on a completely related note, don't forget to check out my other blog, dvorak.org/blog. Why is it related? I.... Forgot, but it is.

iPhone ups its battery life.

From 40 minutes to 80 minutes. Doubling the previous life, what a feat, congrats Apple.

Don't say I never report the good Apple News.

More on the WWDC Keynote...

I can't believe no one has realized this yet.

It's so obvious that I'm amazed no one is putting this out as news (hell, most of the Apple based sites out there run only on complete fabrications, why not have one based off of obvious speculation.)


By now you're saying, Dvorak, spit it out, what is so obvious that us "Apple Polishers" haven't realized because our heads are too far up Steve Jobs' patoot?

Well, its none other than the touch screen iMac/Macbooks that are coming this fall, right at the same time as OS-X Leopard.
It's so obvious? Why has Apple been adding coverflow to everything they make? First was iTunes, now its their "Finder". Next it's the top secret version of iLife that was leaked to my friends and proud "Apple Polishers" Leo LaPort and Mirlin Man. In it, it has a build of iPhoto with coverflow in it. It's so obvious that they're going to make a Mac with their multi-touch technology in it.

I guess it isn't being recognized as 'news' by these people, because the Appletards just want to pretend to be surprised by the amazing unexpected announcement at Jobs' next bukkake session. The only thing that annoys me is that my editor at dvorak.org/blog won't let me post it there as news. He wants "sources" as if I'm not a good enough source.

Me, what do I think about it? I think this is the worst thing to happen to computers since the mouse. No one ASKED you for a touch screen interface Mr. Jobs, especially not me. Hell, I didn't even ask you for a mouse, I still navigate my Dell PC just fine with only a keyboard and shortcuts thank you very much. This is just another way to get people used to the broken touch screen interface that the iPhone has. It doesn't work for the iPhone, and it won't work for the personal computer. Again Mr. Jobs, you are barking up a tree that has nothing of interest at the top. But again, what would you expect from a company like Apple, who time and again innovates us into the crapper.

crApple

So people have been emailing me over the last 3 days all asking the same thing.

"John, what do you think of that Apple Keynote from Steve Jobs?"

Albeit, they usually don't spell it out that well.

As amazing as it seems, my editor has been cutting back my 'Apple baiting'™ posts even though people want to know what I really think about it. He says if I do it too much, the Appletards will start ignoring all I say. Pshaw. We all know Appletards don't think that far ahead. The inane rage they get from someone criticizing their holy company is too much for them to start thinking about it rationally.

Over the next few days I'll give you little insights into what I found interesting about the glorious leader's speech to the fanatics. I've given you all hints at what I think on my other blog (Dvorak.org/blog, which can be found at dvorak.org/blog), but as I said, my editor there keeps telling me to post about something else. So I'll use this soapbox instead.


On to the topic at hand.
Really, The WWDC Keynote can be summed up by how it started. Steve (hand)Jobs started the keynote by bringing out a constipated drunk. Seriously, go to apple.com and watch the first 5 minutes and tell me that the president of EA doesn't look both drunk and constipated. Go on, I'll wait....




You see what I mean? What in the world was up with that? Obviously, what Steve is trying to say here is that you have to be a drunk, constipated moron to make games for the Mac. Hello people, Apple has tried this again and again begging developers to make games and it's always gone nowhere. Even their most rabid exclusive game developer went and bailed and sold themselves to Microsoft back in the day. You really think anyone but the 5 Appletarded gamers would even know who Bungie software was, or what Halo was If they'd ended up releasing the game as a Mac exclusive? No. They knew better. Yet somehow Apple thinks that they can somehow bring gaming to the Mac with some terrible ports of games that no one plays, even on the PC.

And people wonder why I think the heads at Apple doesn't know their heads from their asses.

I've been thinking, should I change my name?

Basically, I have been wondering if I should change my name. I've thought about this time and time again over the last few month, ever since Leo LePort started calling me Mr Dvorak.org/blog and sometimes Mr. John C. Dvorak.org/blog on the TWaT Podcast. I mean, you have to admit, it has a ring to it.

Hey, I just had a good brainstorm. I should probably get Johncdvorak.org, mrjohncdvorak.org and misterjohncdvorak.org just in case. With Leo saying it like that, I might be losing precious hits on my blog. Maybe I would be getting millions more.

Back to the name thing. I would get in contact with someone from the government to find out how hard it is to have your name changed, but then they'd have my phone number. I wonder how long it'd take the 'Google brand' satellites in the sky to take my picture for the government if I used a payphone. Maybe if I make it quick I could get away before the DoD even got ahold of someone in Google.

Still though, John C. Dvorak.org/blog. Damn that sounds so svelte. I really should look into it.

So you've figured it out, finally.

I got an email just now that I thought I'd respond to on the blog. I'm not sure how this person got my private email address. I wonder if they're from the CIA.

"I herd U say on TWaT podcast that U useed 2 work in the mailing lists. Is that the rael way 4 how U gets no spam?"

Hmm. Apparently this person isn't from the CIA. They must work in Apple as an iPhone tester. See, I told you. Look at how well that iPhone Keyboard works, Appletards.

Anyway, finally one of you numbskulls has figured it out. I mentioned on This Week's Anal Techheads that I used to have a stint in the mail order mailing list buisness. So, Yes, I have connections from my mailing list days. The word was spread to leave the big D alone when they made the transition into email from paper mail. They're loyal like that. As long as I keep giving them any email addresses that you give me by emailing me, they just thank me and let me be. As always, thanks to all you fans for supporting me, intentionally or not. Oh, did I go all that time without mentioning dvorak.org/blog?

So, You morons always wanted to know about my life...

Yeah, So, Leo LePort keeps trying to get me to try crap like Twatter and Noun and all that junk. Well fine, you all want to spy on me, then here it is. This site will give you all the insight into my bitter mind you could ever want and finally prove to the world that you don't want to know what I'm doing every minute of the day. It also includes the censored stuff from my other blog (dvorak.org/blog) because you can't possibly believe it's truely uncensored can you? Not with The Man out there looking to get me. All those greatstories that my other blog's editor tosses away, saying they're too crazy or too anti-apple, they'll all find their way here too. So long as they (The Man or my editor) don't find this one we'll all be fine. As always, make sure to visit this blog (fakedvorak.blogspot.com) all the time, but don't forget about the other one. (dvorak.com/orgblog.name) Visit there often, and tell your Applehead friends, they'll love it!