Wow. So all of the iPhone Reviews are in and they're all positive.
Color me startled.
I mean, Apple gives only a select few reviewers an iPhone, and they all apparently love it. I can't believe this.
Oh, what's that? Take a closer look at who they all are? Ok.
My my, They're all Apple Polishers. What a surprise.
Yes everyone, Don't believe these reviews. Every single one of these tech reviewers has been an asskiss of Jobs at one time or another. Does it surprise you in the slightest that when Apple gives them a status symbol, one that they can waive around at their friends making them all jealous, that they'd gush their hearts all over Steve. Just you wait, REAL reviews are on the way, not these iPhoney ones. (Sometimes I amaze even myself with my cleverness.)
Leo has promised to lend me his review iPhone, that he got yesterday, on Friday. (Don't believe him if he tells you differently TWaT Gestapo, he has one.) This is good, because I have a trip at 9:30AM from LA to Berlin for a speaking engagement. Yes, unfortunately this means I won't be able to join you in the egging of the fools standing outside AT&T stores. A look on the bright side reveals that it has been nice and hot all across the US, so your eggs should be nice and rotten by now, if not hard boiled, so you can at least get them nice and good for me in my stead. At least this trip means I will be able to get to the bottom of the iPhone in the airport and on the flight there.
So faithful Dvorakians, please give me at least until Saturday, maybe Sunday, and I will have my candid review of the iPoop finished. It will probably be on dvorak.org/blog but my editor there has been getting pickier about my Apple stories. I get the feeling Jobs is paying him off, so it may end up here. Stay tuned to this and dvorak.org/blog, a true review will be forthcoming from me. Just hold out on the Reality Distortion Field for that long, and I can beam my reality Dis-is-suckin' Field at you to counteract it.
Showing posts with label Steve Jobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Steve Jobs. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
More on the WWDC Keynote...
I can't believe no one has realized this yet.
It's so obvious that I'm amazed no one is putting this out as news (hell, most of the Apple based sites out there run only on complete fabrications, why not have one based off of obvious speculation.)
By now you're saying, Dvorak, spit it out, what is so obvious that us "Apple Polishers" haven't realized because our heads are too far up Steve Jobs' patoot?
Well, its none other than the touch screen iMac/Macbooks that are coming this fall, right at the same time as OS-X Leopard.
It's so obvious? Why has Apple been adding coverflow to everything they make? First was iTunes, now its their "Finder". Next it's the top secret version of iLife that was leaked to my friends and proud "Apple Polishers" Leo LaPort and Mirlin Man. In it, it has a build of iPhoto with coverflow in it. It's so obvious that they're going to make a Mac with their multi-touch technology in it.
I guess it isn't being recognized as 'news' by these people, because the Appletards just want to pretend to be surprised by the amazing unexpected announcement at Jobs' next bukkake session. The only thing that annoys me is that my editor at dvorak.org/blog won't let me post it there as news. He wants "sources" as if I'm not a good enough source.
Me, what do I think about it? I think this is the worst thing to happen to computers since the mouse. No one ASKED you for a touch screen interface Mr. Jobs, especially not me. Hell, I didn't even ask you for a mouse, I still navigate my Dell PC just fine with only a keyboard and shortcuts thank you very much. This is just another way to get people used to the broken touch screen interface that the iPhone has. It doesn't work for the iPhone, and it won't work for the personal computer. Again Mr. Jobs, you are barking up a tree that has nothing of interest at the top. But again, what would you expect from a company like Apple, who time and again innovates us into the crapper.
It's so obvious that I'm amazed no one is putting this out as news (hell, most of the Apple based sites out there run only on complete fabrications, why not have one based off of obvious speculation.)
By now you're saying, Dvorak, spit it out, what is so obvious that us "Apple Polishers" haven't realized because our heads are too far up Steve Jobs' patoot?
Well, its none other than the touch screen iMac/Macbooks that are coming this fall, right at the same time as OS-X Leopard.
It's so obvious? Why has Apple been adding coverflow to everything they make? First was iTunes, now its their "Finder". Next it's the top secret version of iLife that was leaked to my friends and proud "Apple Polishers" Leo LaPort and Mirlin Man. In it, it has a build of iPhoto with coverflow in it. It's so obvious that they're going to make a Mac with their multi-touch technology in it.
I guess it isn't being recognized as 'news' by these people, because the Appletards just want to pretend to be surprised by the amazing unexpected announcement at Jobs' next bukkake session. The only thing that annoys me is that my editor at dvorak.org/blog won't let me post it there as news. He wants "sources" as if I'm not a good enough source.
Me, what do I think about it? I think this is the worst thing to happen to computers since the mouse. No one ASKED you for a touch screen interface Mr. Jobs, especially not me. Hell, I didn't even ask you for a mouse, I still navigate my Dell PC just fine with only a keyboard and shortcuts thank you very much. This is just another way to get people used to the broken touch screen interface that the iPhone has. It doesn't work for the iPhone, and it won't work for the personal computer. Again Mr. Jobs, you are barking up a tree that has nothing of interest at the top. But again, what would you expect from a company like Apple, who time and again innovates us into the crapper.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
crApple
So people have been emailing me over the last 3 days all asking the same thing.
"John, what do you think of that Apple Keynote from Steve Jobs?"
Albeit, they usually don't spell it out that well.
As amazing as it seems, my editor has been cutting back my 'Apple baiting'™ posts even though people want to know what I really think about it. He says if I do it too much, the Appletards will start ignoring all I say. Pshaw. We all know Appletards don't think that far ahead. The inane rage they get from someone criticizing their holy company is too much for them to start thinking about it rationally.
Over the next few days I'll give you little insights into what I found interesting about the glorious leader's speech to the fanatics. I've given you all hints at what I think on my other blog (Dvorak.org/blog, which can be found at dvorak.org/blog), but as I said, my editor there keeps telling me to post about something else. So I'll use this soapbox instead.
On to the topic at hand.
Really, The WWDC Keynote can be summed up by how it started. Steve (hand)Jobs started the keynote by bringing out a constipated drunk. Seriously, go to apple.com and watch the first 5 minutes and tell me that the president of EA doesn't look both drunk and constipated. Go on, I'll wait....
You see what I mean? What in the world was up with that? Obviously, what Steve is trying to say here is that you have to be a drunk, constipated moron to make games for the Mac. Hello people, Apple has tried this again and again begging developers to make games and it's always gone nowhere. Even their most rabid exclusive game developer went and bailed and sold themselves to Microsoft back in the day. You really think anyone but the 5 Appletarded gamers would even know who Bungie software was, or what Halo was If they'd ended up releasing the game as a Mac exclusive? No. They knew better. Yet somehow Apple thinks that they can somehow bring gaming to the Mac with some terrible ports of games that no one plays, even on the PC.
And people wonder why I think the heads at Apple doesn't know their heads from their asses.
"John, what do you think of that Apple Keynote from Steve Jobs?"
Albeit, they usually don't spell it out that well.
As amazing as it seems, my editor has been cutting back my 'Apple baiting'™ posts even though people want to know what I really think about it. He says if I do it too much, the Appletards will start ignoring all I say. Pshaw. We all know Appletards don't think that far ahead. The inane rage they get from someone criticizing their holy company is too much for them to start thinking about it rationally.
Over the next few days I'll give you little insights into what I found interesting about the glorious leader's speech to the fanatics. I've given you all hints at what I think on my other blog (Dvorak.org/blog, which can be found at dvorak.org/blog), but as I said, my editor there keeps telling me to post about something else. So I'll use this soapbox instead.
On to the topic at hand.
Really, The WWDC Keynote can be summed up by how it started. Steve (hand)Jobs started the keynote by bringing out a constipated drunk. Seriously, go to apple.com and watch the first 5 minutes and tell me that the president of EA doesn't look both drunk and constipated. Go on, I'll wait....
You see what I mean? What in the world was up with that? Obviously, what Steve is trying to say here is that you have to be a drunk, constipated moron to make games for the Mac. Hello people, Apple has tried this again and again begging developers to make games and it's always gone nowhere. Even their most rabid exclusive game developer went and bailed and sold themselves to Microsoft back in the day. You really think anyone but the 5 Appletarded gamers would even know who Bungie software was, or what Halo was If they'd ended up releasing the game as a Mac exclusive? No. They knew better. Yet somehow Apple thinks that they can somehow bring gaming to the Mac with some terrible ports of games that no one plays, even on the PC.
And people wonder why I think the heads at Apple doesn't know their heads from their asses.
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