Busy Busy Busy, But here's the long awaited review

Sorry Folks I had a heck of a time on my trip.

So, I got the iPhone, and I actually was quite enjoying it. Looking through the music I had put on it, playing with the contacts, watching a TV show. I left, as I said in a previous post, around 9:30am and when I got to Berlin it was 10:09am, So, folks. Proof Positive that I was right. The iPhone has terrible battery life. It was just after I landed in Berlin that the battery had already died on me. Dvorakians, that was only 40 minutes time, and yes, this was while on airplane mode. Worse yet, When I got to the hotel, I couldn't plug in the phone because it wouldn't fit in the wall. You would think Apple would realized that people travel with their cellphones and not all wall plugs are the same. Some sort of multiplug would be nice. Oh, and Apple Polishers, don't go telling me that other phones don't do it. If this thing is supposed to be the be all, end all, phone I expect it to do everything I'll ever want or need. End of Story.

So my whole trip I was lost with no phone and no GPS. I was counting on the iPhone to work as both (I know it isn't a GPS, but I was planning to use Google Maps). That's why you might have noticed that the episode of Cranky Geekz from 3 weeks ago was a fluff piece with no news stories, it was one of the pretaped shows we had just for that kind of occasion.

Now you might be wondering, since I HAD been back from Germany for nearly 2 weeks, why I had not updated. The fact is, I wanted my next post to be the review of the iPhone and well, I was going to do the review FROM the iPhone. That folks is the next problem with it. I could not for the life of me log into blogspot from Leo's iPhone at all. I waited and waited for Apple to fix this flaw in the iPhone Safari but no dice. So finally I gave up and am writing from my trusty Windows Dell PC. The other reason was, well I was wanting to get back on TWaT before I reviewed the iPhone. If I posted a negative review, Leo likely wouldn't let me on again for a while. I do think maybe I might have let that slip because it was 2 weeks since I got back before he let me back on the show. Now that I was on, I can speak candidly again.

Anyway folks, back to the point.

Plain and simple Dvorakians, the iPhone is a dud. It failed the Dvorak Scrutiny™ test both in battery life and in functionality.

Oh, and don't forget to check out dvorak.org/blog. The trained monkeys that I had doing my work for the week and a half that I was lost in Germany did a pretty decent job mimicking my posts, but now I'm back and it is all in full swing.

I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Leo just dropped off the iPhone. I must say, my first impressions are good. In fact, I think I might write a positive review, but then Apple has always been like that, Nice design, but crappy product once you take some time with it. We'll have to see how it really holds up to Dvorak Scrutiny™.

Getting packed now, Leo claims the iPhone is fully charged, but I'm leaving it plugged in anyway, until it's time to leave for the Airport. I don't want to have the Appletards claiming I cheated in my assessment of the power usage.

iPhoney Reviews

Wow. So all of the iPhone Reviews are in and they're all positive.

Color me startled.

I mean, Apple gives only a select few reviewers an iPhone, and they all apparently love it. I can't believe this.

Oh, what's that? Take a closer look at who they all are? Ok.

My my, They're all Apple Polishers. What a surprise.

Yes everyone, Don't believe these reviews. Every single one of these tech reviewers has been an asskiss of Jobs at one time or another. Does it surprise you in the slightest that when Apple gives them a status symbol, one that they can waive around at their friends making them all jealous, that they'd gush their hearts all over Steve. Just you wait, REAL reviews are on the way, not these iPhoney ones. (Sometimes I amaze even myself with my cleverness.)

Leo has promised to lend me his review iPhone, that he got yesterday, on Friday. (Don't believe him if he tells you differently TWaT Gestapo, he has one.) This is good, because I have a trip at 9:30AM from LA to Berlin for a speaking engagement. Yes, unfortunately this means I won't be able to join you in the egging of the fools standing outside AT&T stores. A look on the bright side reveals that it has been nice and hot all across the US, so your eggs should be nice and rotten by now, if not hard boiled, so you can at least get them nice and good for me in my stead. At least this trip means I will be able to get to the bottom of the iPhone in the airport and on the flight there.

So faithful Dvorakians, please give me at least until Saturday, maybe Sunday, and I will have my candid review of the iPoop finished. It will probably be on dvorak.org/blog but my editor there has been getting pickier about my Apple stories. I get the feeling Jobs is paying him off, so it may end up here. Stay tuned to this and dvorak.org/blog, a true review will be forthcoming from me. Just hold out on the Reality Distortion Field for that long, and I can beam my reality Dis-is-suckin' Field at you to counteract it.

Reminder: Password protect my laptop from now on.

Some of you have been wondering why I wasn't on this week's TWaT.

Why? See: the post on Leo's faux negativity for the iPhone.

I had written it, but I delayed posting it here because I knew Leo might find the blog, get mad and kick me off for a bit. I was editing it, making sure everything was perfect and I had to use the bathroom quickly. (Additional reminder, No more 10 for 10 Tacos from Taco Bell, I get the feeling that was how they got rid of their rat problem.) So I close my laptop and run to the bathroom. Turns out, Leo's Mac was having problems (besides the obvious being a Mac one) So he claimed anyway. He opened my laptop to 'check for any last minute stories for the show' and there was the post, nearly finished. He was outraged. He barged in the bathroom, started screaming, said I'd never be on his 'netcast' again. Then he fainted. Yes, the tacos were that bad. I took my laptop, and left. I debated not even posting the blog entry but I figured I'd already be punished for it.

Have no fears TWaT Gestapo, I'm sure I'll be on TWaT again. You, my beloved fans will demand it. Besides, Mr. LePort has the short term memory of a gnat, he's already likely forgotten what happened. If for some reason he doesn't however, you and I will always have dvorak.org/blog and here to keep in contact.

LePort and the iPhone Factory

I'm sure that most of you are intelligent enough to have figured this out already.

In case you haven't, Leo has only been bitching that he is sick of the iPhone and iPhone news so that he can eventually come out and say that it was better than expected. It's the same trick those Star Wars Geekwads used on the second and third prequel. The first one was so bad, they lowered their expectations to nil so that they could be 'surprised how good the new SW movie was'.

It also has to do with his public persona. He's trying to look unbiased, but who is he kidding. We all know the iPhone is gonna be a turd but Leo will be out there praising it to the heavens just after 6pm next Friday, that is, If (Hand)Jobs doesn't give him one sooner.

Oh, and on a completely related note, don't forget to check out my other blog, dvorak.org/blog. Why is it related? I.... Forgot, but it is.

More on the WWDC Keynote...

I can't believe no one has realized this yet.

It's so obvious that I'm amazed no one is putting this out as news (hell, most of the Apple based sites out there run only on complete fabrications, why not have one based off of obvious speculation.)


By now you're saying, Dvorak, spit it out, what is so obvious that us "Apple Polishers" haven't realized because our heads are too far up Steve Jobs' patoot?

Well, its none other than the touch screen iMac/Macbooks that are coming this fall, right at the same time as OS-X Leopard.
It's so obvious? Why has Apple been adding coverflow to everything they make? First was iTunes, now its their "Finder". Next it's the top secret version of iLife that was leaked to my friends and proud "Apple Polishers" Leo LaPort and Mirlin Man. In it, it has a build of iPhoto with coverflow in it. It's so obvious that they're going to make a Mac with their multi-touch technology in it.

I guess it isn't being recognized as 'news' by these people, because the Appletards just want to pretend to be surprised by the amazing unexpected announcement at Jobs' next bukkake session. The only thing that annoys me is that my editor at dvorak.org/blog won't let me post it there as news. He wants "sources" as if I'm not a good enough source.

Me, what do I think about it? I think this is the worst thing to happen to computers since the mouse. No one ASKED you for a touch screen interface Mr. Jobs, especially not me. Hell, I didn't even ask you for a mouse, I still navigate my Dell PC just fine with only a keyboard and shortcuts thank you very much. This is just another way to get people used to the broken touch screen interface that the iPhone has. It doesn't work for the iPhone, and it won't work for the personal computer. Again Mr. Jobs, you are barking up a tree that has nothing of interest at the top. But again, what would you expect from a company like Apple, who time and again innovates us into the crapper.

I've been thinking, should I change my name?

Basically, I have been wondering if I should change my name. I've thought about this time and time again over the last few month, ever since Leo LePort started calling me Mr Dvorak.org/blog and sometimes Mr. John C. Dvorak.org/blog on the TWaT Podcast. I mean, you have to admit, it has a ring to it.

Hey, I just had a good brainstorm. I should probably get Johncdvorak.org, mrjohncdvorak.org and misterjohncdvorak.org just in case. With Leo saying it like that, I might be losing precious hits on my blog. Maybe I would be getting millions more.

Back to the name thing. I would get in contact with someone from the government to find out how hard it is to have your name changed, but then they'd have my phone number. I wonder how long it'd take the 'Google brand' satellites in the sky to take my picture for the government if I used a payphone. Maybe if I make it quick I could get away before the DoD even got ahold of someone in Google.

Still though, John C. Dvorak.org/blog. Damn that sounds so svelte. I really should look into it.

So, You morons always wanted to know about my life...

Yeah, So, Leo LePort keeps trying to get me to try crap like Twatter and Noun and all that junk. Well fine, you all want to spy on me, then here it is. This site will give you all the insight into my bitter mind you could ever want and finally prove to the world that you don't want to know what I'm doing every minute of the day. It also includes the censored stuff from my other blog (dvorak.org/blog) because you can't possibly believe it's truely uncensored can you? Not with The Man out there looking to get me. All those greatstories that my other blog's editor tosses away, saying they're too crazy or too anti-apple, they'll all find their way here too. So long as they (The Man or my editor) don't find this one we'll all be fine. As always, make sure to visit this blog (fakedvorak.blogspot.com) all the time, but don't forget about the other one. (dvorak.com/orgblog.name) Visit there often, and tell your Applehead friends, they'll love it!