iPhoney Reviews

Wow. So all of the iPhone Reviews are in and they're all positive.

Color me startled.

I mean, Apple gives only a select few reviewers an iPhone, and they all apparently love it. I can't believe this.

Oh, what's that? Take a closer look at who they all are? Ok.

My my, They're all Apple Polishers. What a surprise.

Yes everyone, Don't believe these reviews. Every single one of these tech reviewers has been an asskiss of Jobs at one time or another. Does it surprise you in the slightest that when Apple gives them a status symbol, one that they can waive around at their friends making them all jealous, that they'd gush their hearts all over Steve. Just you wait, REAL reviews are on the way, not these iPhoney ones. (Sometimes I amaze even myself with my cleverness.)

Leo has promised to lend me his review iPhone, that he got yesterday, on Friday. (Don't believe him if he tells you differently TWaT Gestapo, he has one.) This is good, because I have a trip at 9:30AM from LA to Berlin for a speaking engagement. Yes, unfortunately this means I won't be able to join you in the egging of the fools standing outside AT&T stores. A look on the bright side reveals that it has been nice and hot all across the US, so your eggs should be nice and rotten by now, if not hard boiled, so you can at least get them nice and good for me in my stead. At least this trip means I will be able to get to the bottom of the iPhone in the airport and on the flight there.

So faithful Dvorakians, please give me at least until Saturday, maybe Sunday, and I will have my candid review of the iPoop finished. It will probably be on dvorak.org/blog but my editor there has been getting pickier about my Apple stories. I get the feeling Jobs is paying him off, so it may end up here. Stay tuned to this and dvorak.org/blog, a true review will be forthcoming from me. Just hold out on the Reality Distortion Field for that long, and I can beam my reality Dis-is-suckin' Field at you to counteract it.

More on the WWDC Keynote...

I can't believe no one has realized this yet.

It's so obvious that I'm amazed no one is putting this out as news (hell, most of the Apple based sites out there run only on complete fabrications, why not have one based off of obvious speculation.)


By now you're saying, Dvorak, spit it out, what is so obvious that us "Apple Polishers" haven't realized because our heads are too far up Steve Jobs' patoot?

Well, its none other than the touch screen iMac/Macbooks that are coming this fall, right at the same time as OS-X Leopard.
It's so obvious? Why has Apple been adding coverflow to everything they make? First was iTunes, now its their "Finder". Next it's the top secret version of iLife that was leaked to my friends and proud "Apple Polishers" Leo LaPort and Mirlin Man. In it, it has a build of iPhoto with coverflow in it. It's so obvious that they're going to make a Mac with their multi-touch technology in it.

I guess it isn't being recognized as 'news' by these people, because the Appletards just want to pretend to be surprised by the amazing unexpected announcement at Jobs' next bukkake session. The only thing that annoys me is that my editor at dvorak.org/blog won't let me post it there as news. He wants "sources" as if I'm not a good enough source.

Me, what do I think about it? I think this is the worst thing to happen to computers since the mouse. No one ASKED you for a touch screen interface Mr. Jobs, especially not me. Hell, I didn't even ask you for a mouse, I still navigate my Dell PC just fine with only a keyboard and shortcuts thank you very much. This is just another way to get people used to the broken touch screen interface that the iPhone has. It doesn't work for the iPhone, and it won't work for the personal computer. Again Mr. Jobs, you are barking up a tree that has nothing of interest at the top. But again, what would you expect from a company like Apple, who time and again innovates us into the crapper.