Busy Busy Busy, But here's the long awaited review

Sorry Folks I had a heck of a time on my trip.

So, I got the iPhone, and I actually was quite enjoying it. Looking through the music I had put on it, playing with the contacts, watching a TV show. I left, as I said in a previous post, around 9:30am and when I got to Berlin it was 10:09am, So, folks. Proof Positive that I was right. The iPhone has terrible battery life. It was just after I landed in Berlin that the battery had already died on me. Dvorakians, that was only 40 minutes time, and yes, this was while on airplane mode. Worse yet, When I got to the hotel, I couldn't plug in the phone because it wouldn't fit in the wall. You would think Apple would realized that people travel with their cellphones and not all wall plugs are the same. Some sort of multiplug would be nice. Oh, and Apple Polishers, don't go telling me that other phones don't do it. If this thing is supposed to be the be all, end all, phone I expect it to do everything I'll ever want or need. End of Story.

So my whole trip I was lost with no phone and no GPS. I was counting on the iPhone to work as both (I know it isn't a GPS, but I was planning to use Google Maps). That's why you might have noticed that the episode of Cranky Geekz from 3 weeks ago was a fluff piece with no news stories, it was one of the pretaped shows we had just for that kind of occasion.

Now you might be wondering, since I HAD been back from Germany for nearly 2 weeks, why I had not updated. The fact is, I wanted my next post to be the review of the iPhone and well, I was going to do the review FROM the iPhone. That folks is the next problem with it. I could not for the life of me log into blogspot from Leo's iPhone at all. I waited and waited for Apple to fix this flaw in the iPhone Safari but no dice. So finally I gave up and am writing from my trusty Windows Dell PC. The other reason was, well I was wanting to get back on TWaT before I reviewed the iPhone. If I posted a negative review, Leo likely wouldn't let me on again for a while. I do think maybe I might have let that slip because it was 2 weeks since I got back before he let me back on the show. Now that I was on, I can speak candidly again.

Anyway folks, back to the point.

Plain and simple Dvorakians, the iPhone is a dud. It failed the Dvorak Scrutiny™ test both in battery life and in functionality.

Oh, and don't forget to check out dvorak.org/blog. The trained monkeys that I had doing my work for the week and a half that I was lost in Germany did a pretty decent job mimicking my posts, but now I'm back and it is all in full swing.

I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Leo just dropped off the iPhone. I must say, my first impressions are good. In fact, I think I might write a positive review, but then Apple has always been like that, Nice design, but crappy product once you take some time with it. We'll have to see how it really holds up to Dvorak Scrutiny™.

Getting packed now, Leo claims the iPhone is fully charged, but I'm leaving it plugged in anyway, until it's time to leave for the Airport. I don't want to have the Appletards claiming I cheated in my assessment of the power usage.

Apparently I'm not the only one...

...who has noticed that Levy, Mossberg and Pogue all just happened to get a status symbol for a few weeks, and had glowing reviews on said symbol.

As I was saying to my pal Paul Thurrott, "What kind of reviews do you expect when they give these Apple Polishers™ a status symbol to show off to all their pals (all 5 of them).

They didn't have to pay Levy a dime. He was in their pocket the moment he could go to work and have a crowd gather around him. This is something he wished for since he was a geek in high school, dreaming of being the star quarterback so that girls might talk to him. Apple made his dream come true. Well, maybe not the part about getting laid, but still close enough. If he had to twist facts and distort the truth, so what, he had to pay them back somehow. It's pathetic."

Thanks Steve!

Well, Looks like Mr Jobs himself is helping us, intentionally or not. Over on his blog he posted a link that shows us all where lines have already formed. This is an insanely helpful tool for us.

Dvorakians, I suggest starting the egging now if you're in any of these places. Sure, it would be cool if we ALL went at once, but if The Man finds out about our plans, they may post guards and we'll never get the chance to egg these people. So start now, and good Appletard hunting.

iPhoney Reviews

Wow. So all of the iPhone Reviews are in and they're all positive.

Color me startled.

I mean, Apple gives only a select few reviewers an iPhone, and they all apparently love it. I can't believe this.

Oh, what's that? Take a closer look at who they all are? Ok.

My my, They're all Apple Polishers. What a surprise.

Yes everyone, Don't believe these reviews. Every single one of these tech reviewers has been an asskiss of Jobs at one time or another. Does it surprise you in the slightest that when Apple gives them a status symbol, one that they can waive around at their friends making them all jealous, that they'd gush their hearts all over Steve. Just you wait, REAL reviews are on the way, not these iPhoney ones. (Sometimes I amaze even myself with my cleverness.)

Leo has promised to lend me his review iPhone, that he got yesterday, on Friday. (Don't believe him if he tells you differently TWaT Gestapo, he has one.) This is good, because I have a trip at 9:30AM from LA to Berlin for a speaking engagement. Yes, unfortunately this means I won't be able to join you in the egging of the fools standing outside AT&T stores. A look on the bright side reveals that it has been nice and hot all across the US, so your eggs should be nice and rotten by now, if not hard boiled, so you can at least get them nice and good for me in my stead. At least this trip means I will be able to get to the bottom of the iPhone in the airport and on the flight there.

So faithful Dvorakians, please give me at least until Saturday, maybe Sunday, and I will have my candid review of the iPoop finished. It will probably be on dvorak.org/blog but my editor there has been getting pickier about my Apple stories. I get the feeling Jobs is paying him off, so it may end up here. Stay tuned to this and dvorak.org/blog, a true review will be forthcoming from me. Just hold out on the Reality Distortion Field for that long, and I can beam my reality Dis-is-suckin' Field at you to counteract it.

The glorious return to TWaT.

Some of you might have noticed my return to This Week's Anal Techheads, where I hinted that I wanted the iPhone to succeed. As most of you have guessed, this was part of Leo LePort's ultimatum for my return to TWaT. It was my 'punishment' for letting out the secret of his fake 'loathing' of iPhone news and his faux 'not wanting an iPhone'. Luckily that was the brunt of what he forced me to do to get back on TWaT. Which is good, because I would have done ANYTHING to be able to pimp dvorak.org/blog a few times a week. Literally, he could have asked me for a positive iPhone review and I would have done it. I would have even been willing to give a positive spin on the next Steve Jobs' Bukkakeynote.

Eggheads.

Thanks go out to Skott Born.

Skott, One of my fellow TWaTters, just helped us out.

On Skott's crApple Phone show blog he's shown us how to easily find an AT&T store using Google (Spying on the) Earth.

Get your eggs out of the fridge and spoiling folks, we're nearly a week away.

I expect all my Devorakians to make sure that these fools not only have metaphorical egg on their faces by buying Steve Job's turd, but I expect all my Devorakians to make sure they have real (smelly) egg on their faces when they leave the stores.

Hopefully I can get my editor over at dvorak.org/blog to at least let me mention my call to arms over there. After all, we will need all the help we can get, because apparently there's a lot of suckers born every minute.